Divorce and the mental load
During divorce, separation or civil partnership dissolution, individuals can become so focused on the practical aspects, such as finding a solicitor and getting paperwork in order, that they don’t acknowledge the mental load they are carrying.
The mental load is the constant background thinking, remembering, planning, worrying and anticipating a person carries in their mind. It is often that voice in your head reminding you of everything you need to do, but it is invisible to those around you.
When considering the mental load in a divorce, family solicitors think about all of the above, plus the emotional processing and worries of a person who is navigating the process of dismantling and rebuilding their lives.
The emotional load after a marriage breaks down
Once a marriage has broken down and before any practical decisions are made, most people are dealing with intense emotional responses to the divorce or separation itself. Common experiences include:
- Shock and disbelief
- Confusion and feelings of overwhelm
- Anger and resentment
- Panic and fear of the unknown
- Sadness and grief
- Loss of identity
- Reduced capacity to parent or cope day to day
- Fear of financial hardship
These emotions are not a weakness, but a normal response to loss and uncertainty.
Navigating the emotions of divorce as a parent
For parents, the mental load can often be greater. Alongside personal grief, parents are often trying to:
- Shield their children from conflict and uncertainty
- Monitor their children’s responses to the change
- Carry guilt about the impact of separation
- Manage exhaustion
- Navigate co-parenting and sharing time with the children (which often leaves them questioning their own parenting ability)
At the same time, parents often worry about how to explain difficult concepts to their children, such as where they will live, how time will be shared between parents, and how routines will be maintained. One of the biggest things parents worry about is how and when to tell their children about the separation. This is even more difficult while parents are emotionally dysregulated and do not know the answers to these questions themselves.
Practical worries during divorce
Even while emotions are raw, practical decisions demand attention. They are often not optional and require action, adding extra pressure. This is often where the mental load becomes too much for many people going through a divorce.
For someone who has been in a marriage where their partner usually handled the practical or financial decisions, divorce can mean taking responsibility for areas of their life they may never have had to manage alone. This can be frightening, vulnerable and overwhelming, not because they are not capable but because it’s unfamiliar territory.
These practicalities include:
- Housing and accommodation
- Who stays in the family home
- Whether the family home must be sold
- Alternative accommodation: renting vs buying
- Stability for children and housing that meets the needs of the children
- Finances
- Separating joint bank accounts.
- Managing day-to-day living costs
- Maintaining mortgage or rental payments
- Facing debts and liabilities
- How to navigate child maintenance and/or spousal maintenance
- Seeking benefits advice
- Seeking pension advice
- Work and employment
- Ability to continue working as before
- Needing more flexible hours
- Impact on performance and concentration
- Fear of job loss or a reduced income
The divorce admin nobody talks about
Our divorce solicitors often hear from clients about the amount of admin that comes with a divorce that they hadn’t anticipated. For example:
- Gathering financial paperwork
- Gathering property valuations
- Reviewing bank accounts
- Insurance: life insurance, car insurance, home insurance, etc.
- Updating or preparing Wills
- Considering pension provision and obtaining valuations
- Vehicle ownership
- Household contents and possessions
- Utilities
- Schooling costs
Divorce admin as a business owner
If you own a business, this comes with additional financial admin and associated worries. For example:
- Keeping the business running whilst emotionally overloaded
- Maintaining day-to-day operations while distracted/distressed
- Pressure to appear normal to staff, clients and suppliers
The types of admin may include:
- Gathering business accounts and tax returns
- Providing profit and loss statements
- Explaining cash flow, drawings and retained profits
- Separating personal and business expenses
- Questions about cash flow and personal income
- Considering the value of the business and instructing accountants or valuation experts
Of course, if your partner is also involved in the business as a co-owner, director, shareholder or other key decision maker, considerations will include:
- What is each person’s entitlement to the business?
- How will control be shared during the divorce process?
Each task or thought may seem small, but together, they create a huge mental load.
Unspoken fears during separation
Alongside everything else, many people going through divorce or separation carry unspoken fears, such as:
- Fear of being alone
- Fear of isolation
- Worry about coping long-term
- Feelings of helplessness or loss of control
- Shame or perceived failure
How a solicitor can help with the mental load of divorce
Feelings of overwhelm are normal. These are huge life changes, and it is ok to need support.
Specialist legal advice can take some of the mental load off your shoulders and help you make an informed decision at a time when decision-making is difficult or overwhelming. Our divorce solicitors understand the complexities of divorce, including business arrangements, child arrangements, and domestic abuse.
Our specialist lawyers don’t just advise you on the legal aspects of divorce; we work with other experts and professionals to ensure you receive the mental, practical and financial support you need. This includes:
- Divorce coaches
- Financial advisers
- Pension experts
- Estate planning solicitors who can advise you on updating your Will
- Mediators to help agree on child arrangements
Practical next steps
If you are in the early stages of the divorce and want to begin preparing for discussions with a lawyer, it can be helpful to collate key information about your own situation. This can make your first meeting more productive and allow your lawyer to advise you on the next best steps.
What to do before your first meeting with a divorce solicitor
- Review your bank accounts to understand your current financial assets and cash flow.
- Collect pay slips and other income statements. Knowing your income and affordability is important when making decisions about mortgages, maintenance and budgeting.
- Speak to a mortgage advisor: this can give you an early picture of your borrowing capacity and housing options independently of your partner.
- Begin gathering pension information. Knowing the value of your retirement funds is important for planning long-term financial security.
- List outstanding debts. Understanding what you owe personally or jointly will help your lawyer and mortgage adviser to understand your financial position and advise accordingly.
Collecting this information* in advance may help you feel more in control and allow your lawyer and other advisors to provide tailored advice on the next steps so you can make informed decisions from the start.
Read more tips about preparing for your first meeting with a divorce solicitor here.
Contact our divorce and separation lawyers
You don’t have to carry the mental load alone. Getting professional, common-sense advice from a divorce solicitor can take some of that initial weight off your shoulders. To see how we can help, call our Family Law team on 0117 325 2929 or fill out our enquiry form. Alternatively, make a start online here.
* You should only collect your own documents and do not open your spouse’s private personal paperwork, emails or accounts. Doing so can be legally problematic. If you are unable to gather this information, our solicitors can help through the appropriate legal channels.
