Understanding why people stay in abusive relationships

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When someone experiences domestic abuse in a relationship, one of the most common questions they face is, “Why didn’t you leave?” Until you have been in an abusive relationship, or are close to someone who has, the answer to this question can be incredibly difficult to understand.

In this blog, our domestic abuse solicitors look at why people stay in toxic relationships, based on their experiences and what clients share with them.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 999 and ask to speak to the Police.

Why do people stay in abusive or toxic relationships?

According to ONS data, an estimated 2.2 million females and 1.5 million males experienced domestic abuse in 2025. Of those almost 3.8 million, only 816,493 cases were recorded by the Police, indicating that hundreds of thousands of people struggle to find the courage to take action against their abusers and leave the relationships.

If you have watched BBC Two’s recent documentary, Lover, Liar, Predator, you will have seen four women join forces to reveal how they were abused by serial predator, Aaron Swan, and describe how impossible it felt to leave their abuser. It was a harrowing watch, but an important one in highlighting how and why people find it so hard to leave a toxic relationship.

10 reasons why people stay in abusive relationships

In domestic abuse cases, every person’s circumstances and experience will be different, including the reasons for staying. However, there are some common reasons why survivors of domestic abuse use to explain why they didn’t leave.

1. Fear

Domestic abuse is about power and control, so when a survivor has the courage to leave that relationship, there is a risk that the abuser will retaliate. Awareness alone of this risk can lead to the survivor feeling fearful of the abuser’s next steps and believing the ‘safer’ option is to stay put.

2. It’s all they know

Sadly, those who grew up in abusive relationships or households often don’t realise what a healthy relationship looks like. It can take a long time for someone to realise that their partner’s behaviour is wrong and that they are worthy of a healthy relationship.

3. Low self-esteem

Sometimes, when someone is in an abusive relationship, the actions they are subjected to can condition them into believing it’s what they deserve, and the words they hear are true. This is particularly true if they already have low confidence and/or they do not have many other healthy relationships, i.e. friends and family.

4. Shame

Many people stay in a toxic relationship because they are embarrassed. This is common for male survivors who feel ‘unmanly’ or ‘weak’ in admitting they have been abused. Shame is also a factor in some cultures, where people are expected to make relationships work no matter what and issues are kept behind closed doors.

5. Threats and intimidation

Sometimes, an abuser will intimidate the other person into staying by making threats (a form of coercive control). These can be verbal, physical or ‘warnings’ that if the survivor tells someone, they will harm them or spread confidential or false information about them, e.g. on social media.

A person may also be told that no one would believe them if they left or made disclosures to the Police.

6. Dependence

Sadly, survivors sometimes avoid leaving an abusive relationship because they cannot afford to, as they are financially dependent on their abuser. This could be because they have been subject to financial abuse or control, and so have not been allowed to work or have their own money.

This can make it feel physically impossible to leave an abusive situation, as they may worry they won’t be able to access alternative accommodation, transport or food and drink.

7. Children and other dependents

If a survivor and their abuser have children together, or share responsibility for dependents, it can make leaving feel impossible. Sometimes, survivors feel guilty for splitting the family up or worry that their abuser will find a way to prevent them from seeing their children.

Abusers can also ‘use’ children as a guilt tactic to prevent the other person from leaving. A survivor may also feel that it is safer to stay to protect the children as opposed to the abuser having, potentially, unsupervised time with the children.

8. Second chances

Despite being abused, survivors may still love and care for their abuser. Intimate feelings towards that person do not necessarily disappear once abuse starts. Survivors also sometimes cling to moments where things feel better, or the abuser appears to have changed. It’s common for abusers to be charming, or ‘love bomb’, which is confusing for a survivor and gives false hope that ‘things aren’t that bad’.

9. Disabilities

As with financial dependence, if a survivor depends on their abuser for physical care, they may struggle to see a way out. If they do not have anyone else who provides support, it can be hard to visualise how they will be able to cope, and so they do not have an alternative but to stay.

10. They don’t know where to start

Leaving an abusive relationship can feel impossible, but it’s important to remember that it is not. There are several organisations that can support you when leaving an abusive or controlling relationship, and we have listed some of them here.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call 999 and ask to speak to the Police.

“Working within family law, whether it’s advising clients, representing clients in court or being part of the Local Family Justice Board Domestic Abuse Advisory Group, I see the impact that domestic abuse has on victims and their children on an almost daily basis.

Abusers often rely on silence, and it’s not uncommon for victims to reach out to discuss or consider leaving several times before they eventually do leave. Coercive and controlling behaviour is a very gradual form of abuse and it has therefore often escalated to what feels like an almost impossible situation to leave before a victim becomes aware of the abuse.

The bottom line is: if a person’s behaviour results in you having to change your behaviour, that is not okay. Please talk to somebody.”

– Charlotte Wait, Head of our Domestic Abuse team

How Barcan and Kirby can help

If you are experiencing domestic abuse, our specialist lawyers are here to help. Once you have reported it to the Police, our expert team can protect you from further abuse, including:

For a confidential chat with a member of our team, call 0117 325 2929 or complete our online enquiry form.

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